Pregnancy Fears - Gender

Today I'm now 18 weeks along with this baby. In 2 weeks I have my ultrasound to find out the gender and I'm getting more and more nervous.

Everyone is rooting for a girl, very very strongly. I've always said I hoped this one was a girl but I've started to prepare myself for all the positives if it is a boy.

• Lil "R will have a baby brother
• We won't have to buy many things
• I'll be able to come home to "my guys" every day
• I already know how boys work a bit, no changing gears

No matter what I know I'll love the baby. I was hoping Lil 'R was a girl too though I didn't realize it until I was told he was a boy. I barely remember that desire. Right now I worry more over the disappointment of everyone else who is rooting for a girl. Not a single person who has said their guess to the gender has said boy. Not one. I worry that I feel that if it's a boy I'll be letting everyone down. Hubby so wants a girl too. I mean he wants one badly. I know that I don't even play a part in determining the gender but somehow I still feel it is my responsibility.

Maybe I'm just now looking for ways to stress myself out. Ugh.

Good News on the Work Front

At the end of last year I finally completed my Master's Degree in Environmental Engineering that I had been working on for 4 years. Yeah, it took me a bit longer with having a child in the middle of it and working full time but I'm none now.

As a result of that I have gotten a raise at work, and no piddly one either but a 12% annual increase! It's enough to give us some breathing room as we work on paying off our debt. It also eleviates my fears about being able to afford insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. on a second car we're planning to get with our tax return.

Even with that good news for some reason I still had a nightmare last night worrying about money. Bad enough of one that I couldn't fall back asleep for quite awhile. I know this raise isn't enough to immediately fix all our financial woes, that is still going to take dedication and time, but it will really really help. I'm hoping that by the end of the year we'll be a much better place in that regard. I know of one debt, the hospital bill from Lil' R's birth we'll be done with in September. That'll free up more to pay towards the credit cards. After the credit cards will be getting rid of the student loans and once we're done with that I guess we'll move onto the mortgage.

With this extra money per paycheck I need to evaluate how much can be allotted towards our debt. First though are a few outstanding medical bills that need to be caught up on. Like an ER visit with the baby last December. Ugh, it's always something isn't it?

Homemade Accomplishments

I've been working on my homemade pizza recipe for a couple of months now. Last Saturday night, I made a pizza I was particularly fond of. So much so that I had to share it. 

Voila!

I think it was gorgeous looking, crust completely from scratch too. I found out that using my bread machine to make the dough really improves the outcome. I don't have anything fancy, just an old Breadman I got from a thrift store for $5. I can't even find the original instructions manual online, though I've found ones for similar newer models. From those I sort winged it on how the settings work and seems I've gotten it right.

I'm still working on getting the dough just right, I tend to make it too thin and if I bake two pizzas at once the top one doesn't get a nice crisp crust on the bottom. It doesn't brown right. Maybe I need to try a pizza stone. Umm... until next time.

Family Woes

One thing I have yet to bring up are some ongoing major family problems. Last September my Grandmother who is 88 fell while in her home.

She's quiet capable though, or was, and had been living alone for many years. She'd injured her knee in 2008 and though it gave her trouble she was still very independent. Family assisted in helping her with errands like the grocery store could be a bit tough on her. Overall though she was very capable. Until the fall. No one knows how it happened or even the cause. She fell in her garage and it appeared that she hit her head hard on her car. She possibly was there a few hours too before my uncle P found her. At the hospital they could never find a cause neurologically or physically, no stroke, etc. Her memory was shot though. She wasn't remembering anyone really or was confusing people. After a week or so she was moved to a rehabilitation center where her memory was improving but she was continuing to have paranoid feelings. I've been told that she definitely was a changed person. There was hope though because her memory was coming back and the neurologist had hope she would fully recover in time. Then the crazy sh*t happened.

I get a call that my uncle H and aunt K, had flown in from California and Canada respectively and had checked my grandmother out of the rehab center. They had taken her to her home and weren't letting anyone really see her for any length of time, at first. Shortly, they stopped letting anyone see her. My uncle H took her back to his home in California and we haven't heard from her since. That was in November.

As can be easily guessed at, there is money involved in all of this. When by grandfather passed away in 1981 he left a large amount of money behind. A trust was formed that is now worth a sizable amount of money, the intention of that trust is to support my Grandmother while she lives and when she passes to be liquidated then distributed to her children. She also has a large amount of personal income.

Before she was taken to CA she demanded my uncle P step down as trustee of the trust and give it over to my uncle h. He refused and she disowned him. She also signed a trespassing warrant against my father when he came to visit her one time before she was taken. Then on Christmas Eve my uncle P was served with a lawsuit. My grandmother had gifted him, my dad and my brother sizeable amounts of money. For my brother and uncle P it was to help buy new homes, nothing insanely lavish but still sizeable amounts. I don't doubt they were gifts though I still find the amounts staggering. Many of our money issues would have been solved at a fraction of those amounts but I've on principle refused to ask for any financial help beyond what has been offered to me. I'm a bit proud you could say. Especially in regards to money and taking care of myself.

A few weeks back another lawsuit came through to get my uncle p removed as trustee. Yesterday was an emergency hearing over it. Looks like things may finally get moving in a positive direction now. All the information was brought before a judge on what my uncle h has done, most of which his lawyer had no clue about. He wasn't present at the court, just his lawyer. So his lawyer was made to look like a fool. The family had already tried to get DCF involved in CA to do a wellness check on my grandmother but had been refused admittance. My uncle p also proved that at the time of her fall and being in rehab the bank statements on her account, disproving my uncle h's allegations that she had been left with no money. That account had held 2 years worth of income for me. Now the court's are going to look into my uncle h and that he may have misappropriated funds himself. Also the court wishes to appoint her a guardian so she will have to appear. Though, everyone will go to CA to her.

It's a huge fiasco and I worry about her so much. I gets me so badly at times because our relationship had been on the rocks for a year or so's time over my quick marriage to my husband. We were just starting to get things back when she fell too, like the first blossoming was happening.

I've been putting off writing to her because no one else has succeeded, but I've realized I at least have to try. And maybe their is the chance mine won't be returned because I'm not in the lawsuit. I won't say much, I expect if I saw anything too important or pertaining to what is going on she's less likely to ever see it. I just need to let her know we miss her.

Busy Busy

Slammed at work right now so I haven't gotten things written like I want. So quick update, saw the Dr. and the baby sounds good and I've only gained 2 lbs, wohoo! In 4 weeks we find out the gender, I'm very anxious. Trying to keep up with everyone else's blogs and put up comments when I can. Need to be very productive today, so back to work.

Damn you Hormones

Probably the thing I hate most about being pregnant and the time after is the negative affect the increased hormones have on me. I've been fighting depression anyway since I was about 14 and now I've seen it escalate to extreme levels I've never experienced before. I hate how sensitive I am and I hate how easily upset I get. Hubby and I are trying to work on it but each of our natural ways of reacting seems to be the wrong thing when it comes to the other.  A simple example is that I begin to tear up, he stops saying things to me because he thinks it'll make me more upset he's explained where I interrupt this as rejection of my feelings and an unwillingness to work things out. Hence; I get even more upset, he pulls away more and I end up in a very very dark place.

Now that I'm finally, after many years, getting a smallest idea of why he reacts some of the ways he does it helps a smidgen. So I spent a bit of the morning Googling information on couples and communication. I learned some about how men and women communicate differently. How men tend to read between the lines in regards to social standing where women read between the lines on a more empathetic approach. It made a lot of sense to me because I see that often in misunderstandings. I feel I'm not really being listened to where he feels that I'm belittling his accomplishments or contributions.

The hormones just make it all the worse and I can't wait until I'm threw with them. Oh yah that may not be for 2 more years. I went through post-partum with my son for 18 months. Damn this is going to suck.

Juggling Different Financial Quirks

I said a few days ago I'd talk about what things we'd tried in our family, along with what had worked and what hadn't. Coincidentally, Hubby and I are in the midst of trying something new.

To give background info, I've said before that Hubby is a Stay at Home Dad and I work full time. So all money is joint, no his and no mine. I'm in charge of our finances though, I have the better credit and already had a checking account, credit cards, investments etc. where he came into our relationship in the midst of trying to get back on his feet from a difficult financial and emotional situation. So we've started our financial journey entirely on my items and just added him to things.

This worked great for household bills, groceries and family expenses but personal expenses have always been a problem. Budgets haven't solved the problem and though I'm organized enough to keep up with check registries, I'm not organized enough to make weekly reports. We've tried Mint.com but that's led to me just watching us break our budgets over and over again. Why we keep doing that is I have a problem saying No. So we have a new plan.

Within the next few days Hubby is going to get an ING Direct checking account opened up in his name. I may do the same but I may wait a little I'm unsure. Every paycheck I'll deposit money into his account and he can do whatever he wants with it. He'll also link it to his Paypal account where he can continue to sell his items he wishes to on Ebay. I'll let it be at his discretion for adding funds back into the main household account.

He's onboard and I think it could be a great idea, giving him independence financially that he hasn't really had. If the budget looks good in a month or two then maybe I'll do it for myself also so that I have money I can myself spend.

Next step: Creating a finance plan to tackle our debt.