Reconnecting and Letting Go

Well I first planned to write today about my drive into work but then through my wall on Facebook I got reminded of an old group of now acquaintances and the hurt I have over that falling out.

2 1/2 years back I had a complete rethinking about my life. I'd gotten my first real job and that had begun to make me look at my life in a whole new way. The immediate results including my ending a 4 year relationship with someone I thought was never going to grow up and take on responsibilities, and a religious self awakening that I'm an atheist but I have kept striving for religion for the sole reason of having a community. This group of now mostly acquaintances and lost friendships falls into that later. I never planned to walk completely away from the group, that met up weekly socially, but shortly after I left my Ex I met my current husband and we found out I was pregnant. Full-time job, new relationship, baby on the way made things like meeting up socially once a week something a) something there wasn't much time nor energy for and b) something that we couldn't afford either. I went back out again while pregnant and was confronted with such a cold reaction that I never even tried to go back. The thing that hurts most is no one ever tried to contact me.

I've now come to realize that my old friends, 99% of them, were just friends of activities. Once my family started and I could no longer go to parties, or bars, etc. I no longer existed. Even ones who have families, and no babysitter available, are so busy with events that unless we participate in them also there is never time to see us. For awhile I called specific people just to talk, IMed them, or e-mailed them. I tried to keep the communication open but after a time I realized I never got a response from them directly unless it related to an event. That really hurts when no one ever calls just to see how you're doing. They say they'll always be there for you if you need it but how can you trust that when you seem to be of so little importance in their life. I've never taken any of them up on their offers, the sh*t has hit the fan and I handled it every time on my own. I need to learn to stop longing over these lost friendships because all it does is cause me pain and them nothing. It's hard though.

I currently have a friend, someone who I was very close to at a point, that I'm trying to reconnect with. I had originally distanced myself because I felt a shift in our relationship and an extreme discomfort being around her significant others. It like so many others got to the point where I felt I was doing all the "hey how are you doing calls," and invites to special events. Guess what, I stopped making the initial calls and we stopped speaking. She's now decided to change her life, leave her significant others, and find herself. Upon finding out, I immediately reached out and even expressed my sorrow over the distance that had grown between us. Now it hangs though with my having sent the last communication yesterday, (we were exchanging e-mails while at work) with no reply. I know she has another confidant to talk to right now but I miss having a close friend so much. I miss having her as a friend specifically. My husband is great but one person can't be everything, nor should someone expect that. I need someone else in my life I can really talk to honestly about anything. I hope she contacts me back, or maybe I'll send her another message later.

When Toddlers Learn to Escape

Lil 'R is getting cleverer. He's on 1 occasion climbed out of his crib and yesterday he got over the small wooden baby gate at his room. A taller baby gate was promptly purchased at the consignment shop for a greatly reduced price and problem solved. I even picked up a bed rail to go on the big boy bed we got him a few weeks back.

Ugh, all these extra expenses are killing me but at least I learned that I should be getting a raise shortly. Using that as an idea I'll do my next post as a break down of how our family tries to structure our finances.

A large highlight recently was on Saturday Lil 'R got to attend is cousin's 2nd birthday and had a chance to play with many children near his age. He was the youngest of all the mobile children there. He seemed to love being around the other kids and even tried to give his cousin a hug, a first there. Of course the hug planted them both in the dirt, definitely a priceless moment. I was just so happy to see Lil 'R so excited. He had so much fun he passed out in the car on the ride home he was so worn out.

Worries lead to plans lead to outcomes?

So far I've only used this blog for simple musings and not as a daily outlet. I'd like to change that and hopefully now that I have a desktop again at home, thanks to my wonderful hubby for scrounging one together for me for Christmas I may be better equipped to. Up unto this point and currently I've been blogging only from my office which is one of the reason for the sporadic updates. I previously only had a laptop at home which was sorely feeling it's age along with missing it's "K" key thanks to Lil' R. My intention with this blog has never been to make money off of it but more as a way to talk about what's going on and hopefully make a few friends while doing it.

I've actually had the beginning of this blog as a draft for 2 weeks due to work 'getting' in the way. Maybe I'm being too ambitious and intimidating myself out of writing. So first we make a new goal. To write at least every other day even if it's only a paragraph. I'm a very habit based person and this needs to be treated like creating a new habit. If after a month it's going strong then we'll start working on better content. Until then you have to suffer. Be back soon I swear!

Goodbye 2009

Is is the common practice to do at the end of the year I'll reflect a bit on what has happened. 2009 was an alright year for us. It had some great highs and a few lows but nothing I would say made the year "awful" or that I'm happy to see it over.

• This year I got to watch my son go from a baby to a toddler. :)
• Even in the tough economic times I kept my job and we were always able to pay the bills. :)
• We bought out first home. :)
• Had some family difficulties that are still on going. :(
• Have continued to battle fairly severe depression to no outside assistance. Post partum was very difficult and then just when I began to stabilize hormones go for a whirlwind again. :(
• We learned we're expecting baby #2 in July of 2010.

While saying goodbye to 2009 some of my hopes for 2010.

• Pay off all of our credit card debt and finish 2010 with a balance of zero.
• Buy a 2nd car with cash.
• Continue working on the house.
• Move 'Lil R into a 'big boy' room.
• Have a healthy baby #2.

There are loads more things I hope to accomplish in the next year but that's a good start. For now, I hope everyone a Happy New Year!

Can we just have a Lazy Holiday?

This is our first holiday season in our new house and as such we've been trying to make the most out of it. We decorated the house inside and out. In the process spending way more money then we'd put aside for the year to cover holiday expenses. Next year should be less right? For some reason I doubt that so we'll now be setting aside more money per paycheck to cover the yearly damage. Even though next year we'll have another small one to buy gifts for they'll only be about 5 months old so I don't think it will be anything extreme. 

Besides financial things through the holiday season is that we're also hosting the family dinner. Originally my husbands family was also going to be coming down but due to unforeseen issues with his sister's job they had to cancel. It will just be my brother's family, us and my father. So not too much but we'll be hosting my dad for two days. This is a first and I'm a bit nervous about it. I've always been the apartment dweller of the family who didn't have the room to host any events so I was always the guest. This is my first big dinner. I'm just a hair bit nervous about it. I had a trial run last Sunday when my Mom came over but I just made a large lasagna for everyone, not turkey and all the fixings.

An update to my crafts to do list. In the picture is our dog Belle sleeping on the tree skirt I finished. I also finished Lil' R's stocking and I'll take a picture of that later, maybe after Santa has filled it up.

I do declare Saturday to be a lazy day for leftovers and TV watching.

Growing Family

One reason I've been absent for a few weeks is that other than just busy life my efficiency rate has dropped severely. The reason why? TaDa....

Yep, we're expecting another little addition to the family who should be arriving around July 20th. I don't have my first doctor's appointment until after the first of the year because we have new insurance starting so the due date may change. Pregnancy hormones are definitely screwing with me, I'm exhausted always and I can't focus on anything for very long it seems. Getting through a work day competently takes almost everything out of me it seems. Ugh.. So now other than hearing about my adventures in crafting I'll also be sharing the adventures on having a 2nd little one. Any advise from those of you out there with multiple little ones already?

Busy Busy

I've been slacking, I know. I haven't written anything in a bit but life has thoroughly gotten in the way. The school semester is over with though and I should be done FOREVER! Yep, I should be receiving my diploma for Master's degree shortly. I know there was doubt I would finish working full time and having a family amidst working on it but though it did take longer I still finished.

Okay so just a filler to apologize for not having written. Working on the next few blogs already. Have a couple topics ahead.