Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Reconnecting and Letting Go

Well I first planned to write today about my drive into work but then through my wall on Facebook I got reminded of an old group of now acquaintances and the hurt I have over that falling out.

2 1/2 years back I had a complete rethinking about my life. I'd gotten my first real job and that had begun to make me look at my life in a whole new way. The immediate results including my ending a 4 year relationship with someone I thought was never going to grow up and take on responsibilities, and a religious self awakening that I'm an atheist but I have kept striving for religion for the sole reason of having a community. This group of now mostly acquaintances and lost friendships falls into that later. I never planned to walk completely away from the group, that met up weekly socially, but shortly after I left my Ex I met my current husband and we found out I was pregnant. Full-time job, new relationship, baby on the way made things like meeting up socially once a week something a) something there wasn't much time nor energy for and b) something that we couldn't afford either. I went back out again while pregnant and was confronted with such a cold reaction that I never even tried to go back. The thing that hurts most is no one ever tried to contact me.

I've now come to realize that my old friends, 99% of them, were just friends of activities. Once my family started and I could no longer go to parties, or bars, etc. I no longer existed. Even ones who have families, and no babysitter available, are so busy with events that unless we participate in them also there is never time to see us. For awhile I called specific people just to talk, IMed them, or e-mailed them. I tried to keep the communication open but after a time I realized I never got a response from them directly unless it related to an event. That really hurts when no one ever calls just to see how you're doing. They say they'll always be there for you if you need it but how can you trust that when you seem to be of so little importance in their life. I've never taken any of them up on their offers, the sh*t has hit the fan and I handled it every time on my own. I need to learn to stop longing over these lost friendships because all it does is cause me pain and them nothing. It's hard though.

I currently have a friend, someone who I was very close to at a point, that I'm trying to reconnect with. I had originally distanced myself because I felt a shift in our relationship and an extreme discomfort being around her significant others. It like so many others got to the point where I felt I was doing all the "hey how are you doing calls," and invites to special events. Guess what, I stopped making the initial calls and we stopped speaking. She's now decided to change her life, leave her significant others, and find herself. Upon finding out, I immediately reached out and even expressed my sorrow over the distance that had grown between us. Now it hangs though with my having sent the last communication yesterday, (we were exchanging e-mails while at work) with no reply. I know she has another confidant to talk to right now but I miss having a close friend so much. I miss having her as a friend specifically. My husband is great but one person can't be everything, nor should someone expect that. I need someone else in my life I can really talk to honestly about anything. I hope she contacts me back, or maybe I'll send her another message later.


  1. I HATE the fact that so many friendships fall by the wayside when a new relationship or a family is started. I hate losing people that I consider good friends.... I am right where you are. I would LOVE to have a great friend again. Not because I can't talk to my hubby, but because sometimes I need someone else just to hang with and give me different perspectives. Good luck to you on refriending your friend!

    btw... for some reason, when I put your blog on my blogroll it never updates when you post. Sorry It is sometimes a long time between comments from me!

  2. Right with you. I am trying to be a bit more relaxed about the friendships. I've let a few fall through the cracks in the past 18 months since becoming a mom but then it's not all on me and they've drifted away since I could no longer go to bars or happy hours or anything. I think that as kids get older we'll have more time for our own interests again and new friendships will start.

  3. At first I was really hard on myself, feeling guilty about these friendships deteriorating and then I thought about it. I started realizing had they called me? Had I been invited to anything that didn't involve having to find a babysitter? Finally I'm starting to let that guilt go and realize the past is the past. I just hope we can make some new friends in the near future, ones with little ones, etc.


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