Damn you Hormones

Probably the thing I hate most about being pregnant and the time after is the negative affect the increased hormones have on me. I've been fighting depression anyway since I was about 14 and now I've seen it escalate to extreme levels I've never experienced before. I hate how sensitive I am and I hate how easily upset I get. Hubby and I are trying to work on it but each of our natural ways of reacting seems to be the wrong thing when it comes to the other.  A simple example is that I begin to tear up, he stops saying things to me because he thinks it'll make me more upset he's explained where I interrupt this as rejection of my feelings and an unwillingness to work things out. Hence; I get even more upset, he pulls away more and I end up in a very very dark place.

Now that I'm finally, after many years, getting a smallest idea of why he reacts some of the ways he does it helps a smidgen. So I spent a bit of the morning Googling information on couples and communication. I learned some about how men and women communicate differently. How men tend to read between the lines in regards to social standing where women read between the lines on a more empathetic approach. It made a lot of sense to me because I see that often in misunderstandings. I feel I'm not really being listened to where he feels that I'm belittling his accomplishments or contributions.

The hormones just make it all the worse and I can't wait until I'm threw with them. Oh yah that may not be for 2 more years. I went through post-partum with my son for 18 months. Damn this is going to suck.

Juggling Different Financial Quirks

I said a few days ago I'd talk about what things we'd tried in our family, along with what had worked and what hadn't. Coincidentally, Hubby and I are in the midst of trying something new.

To give background info, I've said before that Hubby is a Stay at Home Dad and I work full time. So all money is joint, no his and no mine. I'm in charge of our finances though, I have the better credit and already had a checking account, credit cards, investments etc. where he came into our relationship in the midst of trying to get back on his feet from a difficult financial and emotional situation. So we've started our financial journey entirely on my items and just added him to things.

This worked great for household bills, groceries and family expenses but personal expenses have always been a problem. Budgets haven't solved the problem and though I'm organized enough to keep up with check registries, I'm not organized enough to make weekly reports. We've tried Mint.com but that's led to me just watching us break our budgets over and over again. Why we keep doing that is I have a problem saying No. So we have a new plan.

Within the next few days Hubby is going to get an ING Direct checking account opened up in his name. I may do the same but I may wait a little I'm unsure. Every paycheck I'll deposit money into his account and he can do whatever he wants with it. He'll also link it to his Paypal account where he can continue to sell his items he wishes to on Ebay. I'll let it be at his discretion for adding funds back into the main household account.

He's onboard and I think it could be a great idea, giving him independence financially that he hasn't really had. If the budget looks good in a month or two then maybe I'll do it for myself also so that I have money I can myself spend.

Next step: Creating a finance plan to tackle our debt.

Reconnecting and Letting Go

Well I first planned to write today about my drive into work but then through my wall on Facebook I got reminded of an old group of now acquaintances and the hurt I have over that falling out.

2 1/2 years back I had a complete rethinking about my life. I'd gotten my first real job and that had begun to make me look at my life in a whole new way. The immediate results including my ending a 4 year relationship with someone I thought was never going to grow up and take on responsibilities, and a religious self awakening that I'm an atheist but I have kept striving for religion for the sole reason of having a community. This group of now mostly acquaintances and lost friendships falls into that later. I never planned to walk completely away from the group, that met up weekly socially, but shortly after I left my Ex I met my current husband and we found out I was pregnant. Full-time job, new relationship, baby on the way made things like meeting up socially once a week something a) something there wasn't much time nor energy for and b) something that we couldn't afford either. I went back out again while pregnant and was confronted with such a cold reaction that I never even tried to go back. The thing that hurts most is no one ever tried to contact me.

I've now come to realize that my old friends, 99% of them, were just friends of activities. Once my family started and I could no longer go to parties, or bars, etc. I no longer existed. Even ones who have families, and no babysitter available, are so busy with events that unless we participate in them also there is never time to see us. For awhile I called specific people just to talk, IMed them, or e-mailed them. I tried to keep the communication open but after a time I realized I never got a response from them directly unless it related to an event. That really hurts when no one ever calls just to see how you're doing. They say they'll always be there for you if you need it but how can you trust that when you seem to be of so little importance in their life. I've never taken any of them up on their offers, the sh*t has hit the fan and I handled it every time on my own. I need to learn to stop longing over these lost friendships because all it does is cause me pain and them nothing. It's hard though.

I currently have a friend, someone who I was very close to at a point, that I'm trying to reconnect with. I had originally distanced myself because I felt a shift in our relationship and an extreme discomfort being around her significant others. It like so many others got to the point where I felt I was doing all the "hey how are you doing calls," and invites to special events. Guess what, I stopped making the initial calls and we stopped speaking. She's now decided to change her life, leave her significant others, and find herself. Upon finding out, I immediately reached out and even expressed my sorrow over the distance that had grown between us. Now it hangs though with my having sent the last communication yesterday, (we were exchanging e-mails while at work) with no reply. I know she has another confidant to talk to right now but I miss having a close friend so much. I miss having her as a friend specifically. My husband is great but one person can't be everything, nor should someone expect that. I need someone else in my life I can really talk to honestly about anything. I hope she contacts me back, or maybe I'll send her another message later.

When Toddlers Learn to Escape

Lil 'R is getting cleverer. He's on 1 occasion climbed out of his crib and yesterday he got over the small wooden baby gate at his room. A taller baby gate was promptly purchased at the consignment shop for a greatly reduced price and problem solved. I even picked up a bed rail to go on the big boy bed we got him a few weeks back.

Ugh, all these extra expenses are killing me but at least I learned that I should be getting a raise shortly. Using that as an idea I'll do my next post as a break down of how our family tries to structure our finances.

A large highlight recently was on Saturday Lil 'R got to attend is cousin's 2nd birthday and had a chance to play with many children near his age. He was the youngest of all the mobile children there. He seemed to love being around the other kids and even tried to give his cousin a hug, a first there. Of course the hug planted them both in the dirt, definitely a priceless moment. I was just so happy to see Lil 'R so excited. He had so much fun he passed out in the car on the ride home he was so worn out.

Worries lead to plans lead to outcomes?

So far I've only used this blog for simple musings and not as a daily outlet. I'd like to change that and hopefully now that I have a desktop again at home, thanks to my wonderful hubby for scrounging one together for me for Christmas I may be better equipped to. Up unto this point and currently I've been blogging only from my office which is one of the reason for the sporadic updates. I previously only had a laptop at home which was sorely feeling it's age along with missing it's "K" key thanks to Lil' R. My intention with this blog has never been to make money off of it but more as a way to talk about what's going on and hopefully make a few friends while doing it.

I've actually had the beginning of this blog as a draft for 2 weeks due to work 'getting' in the way. Maybe I'm being too ambitious and intimidating myself out of writing. So first we make a new goal. To write at least every other day even if it's only a paragraph. I'm a very habit based person and this needs to be treated like creating a new habit. If after a month it's going strong then we'll start working on better content. Until then you have to suffer. Be back soon I swear!

Goodbye 2009

Is is the common practice to do at the end of the year I'll reflect a bit on what has happened. 2009 was an alright year for us. It had some great highs and a few lows but nothing I would say made the year "awful" or that I'm happy to see it over.

• This year I got to watch my son go from a baby to a toddler. :)
• Even in the tough economic times I kept my job and we were always able to pay the bills. :)
• We bought out first home. :)
• Had some family difficulties that are still on going. :(
• Have continued to battle fairly severe depression to no outside assistance. Post partum was very difficult and then just when I began to stabilize hormones go for a whirlwind again. :(
• We learned we're expecting baby #2 in July of 2010.

While saying goodbye to 2009 some of my hopes for 2010.

• Pay off all of our credit card debt and finish 2010 with a balance of zero.
• Buy a 2nd car with cash.
• Continue working on the house.
• Move 'Lil R into a 'big boy' room.
• Have a healthy baby #2.

There are loads more things I hope to accomplish in the next year but that's a good start. For now, I hope everyone a Happy New Year!

Can we just have a Lazy Holiday?

This is our first holiday season in our new house and as such we've been trying to make the most out of it. We decorated the house inside and out. In the process spending way more money then we'd put aside for the year to cover holiday expenses. Next year should be less right? For some reason I doubt that so we'll now be setting aside more money per paycheck to cover the yearly damage. Even though next year we'll have another small one to buy gifts for they'll only be about 5 months old so I don't think it will be anything extreme. 

Besides financial things through the holiday season is that we're also hosting the family dinner. Originally my husbands family was also going to be coming down but due to unforeseen issues with his sister's job they had to cancel. It will just be my brother's family, us and my father. So not too much but we'll be hosting my dad for two days. This is a first and I'm a bit nervous about it. I've always been the apartment dweller of the family who didn't have the room to host any events so I was always the guest. This is my first big dinner. I'm just a hair bit nervous about it. I had a trial run last Sunday when my Mom came over but I just made a large lasagna for everyone, not turkey and all the fixings.

An update to my crafts to do list. In the picture is our dog Belle sleeping on the tree skirt I finished. I also finished Lil' R's stocking and I'll take a picture of that later, maybe after Santa has filled it up.

I do declare Saturday to be a lazy day for leftovers and TV watching.